Over the past six months I’ve been tied down in a losing battle with depression. But a Giantess doesn’t simply give up when she’s tied up – I’ve broken free and my inner fire has returned over the last several weeks. I’d like to share with you the reality I haven’t talked about – which now feels more like a nightmare – and how it shaped everything in my life at the time and how it shapes the future. Warning, this is a long one.
In May 2012 I began feeling a little overwhelmed with life and work. I didn’t know why I felt this way. I had no reason to feel this way. I knew I had a burning love and passion for everything in life! My emotions were slowly being replaced by… emptiness. I forcefully pushed myself onward, but I found myself struggling to function more and more as each day, week, and month passed.
I held onto the hope that these feelings would pass, but they only worsened and I tried my best to keep it from reflecting onto my work. By the time summer hit I was miserable- It was hard to get out of bed, I lost my appetite, I no longer had an interest in any hobbies (reading, games, movies, cooking). Everything in my life suffered.
Despite my best efforts, by the end of August it was deeply affecting my site; I had writer’s block which slowed my production of scripts, blogs, emails, I struggled to find time to act and film, it was painful to edit, and my goals escaped me. I began relying on diminishing windows of passion to survive as I couldn’t get in front of a camera or act a fantasy unless it was my true self.
I had no clue what was going on. I had never experienced a void of love! Two unique sides of me battled it out like two giantesses fighting over a city; one being the passion-driven workaholic you’ve always seen, and the opposite telling me I long since reached a breaking point. Looking back now, it was clear I was on a true adventure in depression. (Please read if you haven’t already! :3)
Around this time it just so happened a friend had contacted me asking for work. Perhaps, I thought, if I hired someone to help take the day to day load off of my shoulders I could pull myself back together! I hired her to clean and do simple tasks so that I could focus my energy into my site and healing myself.
By hearing her work in the house it gave me the drive to get my own work done. Additionally she expressed interest in getting involved with my business which I found irresistibly exciting! Suddenly I saw the potential of her reducing my workload further and being another Giantess I could play with!
However I soon learned that my friend needed an escape from her boyfriend. Naturally I wanted to help! With everything she accomplished for me so far, moving in seemed like a reasonable and logical solution to both of our problems. In an instant she was moved in and we were living together to help each other.
Sadly… things quickly destabilized and impacted me far greater than I could have ever imagined. My friend was also suffering from severe depression, but instead from her past relationship and life. She quickly became incapable of working and lost her drive to function. And with losing the stability I got from her coming over and actually working, I soon found myself reverting back into my previous state of depression but even worse with having a dependent. Her seeing my depression obviously didn’t help her either!
Starting at the end of September, we mirrored each others’ depression, making the situation exponentially worse. I began to fear losing everything I had put all of my passion in for the previous 6.5 years – my site and independence – which mean everything to me and who I am.
By mid October I knew my only chance was to get us the help we both needed to survive by seeing a doctor. Additionally, a week later my friend’s younger sister – who she was the legal guardian of and had nowhere else to go – moved in with us. Regardless of the financial stress and time lost by trying to support two other people, we held onto the small strand of hope that we were going to get through it together.
Finally, thanks to a wonderful doctor – and a giantess in her own right – the relief I needed finally came! The underlying cause of my severe depression was from overworking to the extreme- and my new home life was compounding it. I don’t think I could have made it any more easy or obvious to my doctor!
This may sound silly, but I simply had never actually believed I was overworking- especially when I started struggling to get work done due to depression. I always felt I was lagging behind and that I needed to push myself more and more to catch up. This line of thinking essentially ensnared me in a cycle of self abuse! D:
I was working on average 12 hours every day, 7 days a week; 80-90 hours a week in total. The only days I ever took off were the days I felt physically sick from keeping this schedule up; these days naturally never felt like real days off. And as I didn’t want to take any time away from reaching my goals, I gave up all my hobbies… so of course my hobbies would no longer give me any real pleasure. Any perceived slacking, or failure to reach goals (no matter how unrealistic), or general life tasks such as going to the gym, only made me work that much harder to meet the demands I had set for myself.
By the time my depression took hold, I was so completely burned out that working itself became mentally taxing and I couldn’t be anywhere near productive anyway. I’d have to focus on simpler and simpler tasks in order to get anything done at all. This only made me push myself HARDER and the law of diminishing returns kept bitch-slapping me. If I had just worked a normal schedule like everyone else, I would have been able to get the same amount of work done anyway.
On the Giantess doctor’s advice, I stopped everything I was doing. I reevaluated my goals, my plans, my schedule. I looked at all areas of my work I could improve in efficiency and balance out with a healthy life. No aspect of my life was left untouched and I meticulously evaluated myself and crafted a new schedule, planning for both work days and days off.
I began with several days off and stuck to my schedule with a new fervor toward life. Slowly, week by week, I felt my passions, my emotions, and love for everything returning! Sadly… there was still one final thing holding me back from making a full stress-free recovery – my home life.
My friend and I tried for one more week – last week – to make it work. But as much as we wanted to help each other, and maybe even live life and work together, by the time this week ended it became clear we needed separate paths in life to take if we were both to truly heal and survive.
And so just a day ago, after many hugs, my friend and her sister moved out and we went our separate ways to confront our different challenges in life. It was an incredible experience and I feel a thousand-fold stronger having lived it.
What you saw on my Twitter – of having a blog ready to post and then not – was because up until a day ago my life, my future, and my goals were intertwined with her one day and then not intertwined with her the next. This was especially hard on both of us because in a way, we still wanted our paths to be one. But we already knew deep inside that it would not work and I couldn’t write to you of a false ending; so I held out on that ending until it actually happened.
And that brings us to today, the future, and a new chapter of my life.
Aside from the sadness I feel for parting ways with my friend, my depression has finally lifted and I feel my passions burning more intensely than ever before. While I realize I’m still recovering, I’m now fully aware of what I need to do to avoid slipping back into depression and I’m determined to never reach that point again. For the first time in what seems like a year I feel fully like myself again which is the greatest feeling in the world! =D
And I could not have done it without you. Thank you all for your patience, love, and support and especially over the last several months while I was going through my worst. I hope you will continue following and enjoying my work. Your love of my fantasies, my site, and my passions provides the fuel of my inner most fires. Not a day goes by I don’t think about my little bugs. =)
Part two of this blog – coming very soon – will be a personal analysis of my new FX work goals. One of the things I learned about myself was what I actually wanted (and didn’t want!) out of my FX work. It will also include a preview of my next FX video (free!) that I’m now just finishing up.
Love you all and thanks for reading. Keep your eyes to the skies once again! >=D